Monday, September 26, 2011

How to Make Love to a Friend - Part Four: Dangers




Part Four: Dangers
If you missed the other parts in this series, you can find them at the following links:
Part 1: Eros
Part 2: Philos
Part 3: Agape

Here are a few of the most common dangers that can rear their ugly heads when making love to a friend. Most of these dangers occur not while what is happening still has anything to do with friendship but when either or both of you allow the wonderful thing you have to twist into something else. When your normal human insecurities stand up and insist that you protect yourself by snatching as much control of your friend as you can finagle. That is what will put the poison into your piƱata.

Ignore the urge to move in with your friend and start a magical life together. It is when you give in to the impulses that begin to drag you down this path that things inevitably begin to turn sour. Possessive thoughts that begin with "my" (my baby, my man, my princess - even "us" actually means "my") will slit the throat of the goose that is laying gold for you right now.

Friends do not belong to each other; they simply enjoy each other. They don't try to manipulate each other into giving them more. They are thrilled when they are in each other's company, and they live and let live when they are apart.

If you can at all fathom it, encourage your friend to sleep with other people. Friends don't exclude their friends - from themselves or from the rest of life. Exclusivity is the enemy of friendship. It will rot your friendship faster than almost anything else. Do whatever you have to to avoid it and to avoid wanting it.

The main reason why the kind of friendship I describe is so rare is because people are greedy by nature. We can't help it. We want it all, and we want it right now. We want to own things and people, and we don't care what it does to them. We want our little kingdom with at least one subject who fauns over us, clings to us, and sits beside us on our bed at night tapping away on their laptop.

You can't help it. This is who you are as a human being. Anytime there is a self, there is a tendency to want to put that self first. (Lewis, 1943)

My only advice to you is to try to focus your greed in any other direction than your priceless friendships. Take it out on a stuffed animal, a musical instrument, a puppy, or even money if you must. Wrap your voracious, clutching arms around the necks of these items and drag them into your world to stay. Be greedy for things if it helps you simply sit back and enjoy your friendship. If you can't sheathe the sword, at least remove it from your friend's throat.

As hard as it may be to hear, often the best way to be cured of the disease of wanting only one person all for yourself (one-itis) is to learn to want other people. Think about that for a bit. When you learn to open yourself up and leave yourself open to the amazing world full of amazing people around you, you will lead an amazing life.


This concludes the How to Make Love to a Friend exclusive special feature of this blog. Visit us regularly for new breakthroughs, trends, and tips that will improve your sex life.

Labels: , ,

Monday, September 19, 2011

How to Make Love to a Friend - Part Three: Agape


 

Part Three: Agape
Once you and your friend have shown each other that you are both able to handle the complete, all-inclusive version of friendship that so few ever attain, the fun can really begin. Believe me when I say that until you've made love to a friend, you've never really made love. You may have glutted yourself with one-night stands or marital bliss till it came out your nose, but you've never made love like this before.

At this stage it's crucial to be as clear and as deliberate as possible with your friend so that no mixed signals are sent in either direction. When you are in the mood for making love to your friend or not making love to them, let them know in terms that are not uncertain. One of the biggest benefits in friends with benefits is the absence of mind games. Instead of using sex as a way to secure intimacy with your partner or using friendship as a way to try to get into their pants, you now have the opportunity to  experience both friendship and sex in their pure, unadulterated forms. But it's up to you to keep it that way. Mind games are forbidden.

Although it is important to be deliberate about your actions, it's not necessary to be crass. You can demonstrate to them your intention without trying to sound like a porn star. For this third stage, once again I recommend that you both be sober and sane. Men and women alike, have some balls, and show your friend that you are not afraid to touch them with loaded fingertips, to lie with your faces close together and carry on an electric conversation laced with risque and spices.

This is the stage that will set the tone for the rest of your friendship, so be careful, and be crazy. Be what you want to be; don't hold back - that IS what friends are for. For god's sake, though, don't be timid. If you are timid, you will ruin the entire point of this proposal. You are FRIENDS. You're allowed to make a mess, break stuff, throw stuff. Do things and say things that you probably couldn't with a regular partner. Leave the lights on. Maintain complete dominance of every one of your senses for the breathtaking relish that these moments of discovering each others' final frontiers will be.

Take full advantage of the fact that this a friend with whom you are making love.

Agape is the word for unconditional love. It is a combination of all the various kinds of love mixed up together and thrown into one. It means that you love every part, parcel, and facet of your friend no matter how small or how taboo. It is simply impossible to experience this kind of love in any other kind of relationship. You can't wrap up your family in this word because there are parts of who they are and what they do behind closed doors that just gross you out. You can't plunge into this word with your spouse because you secretly hate the thought that they might ever be attracted to anyone else besides you, which is a routine part of human existence. You can't get hopelessly lost in agape with your platonic friends because you've erected a fence around essential parts of you to keep them out.

Although you may be able to tolerate every part of the other people in your life, sadly, you will probably never embrace them as the complete people that they are. In some cases, it's true, it's better not to. But when it is possible, it is paradise.

Stay tuned next Monday evening for some of the dangers of making love to a friend.


How to Make Love to a Friend is an exclusive special feature of this blog. Visit us Monday evenings for new episodes in the How to Make Love to a Friend series.

If you would like to read the other parts in this series, you can find them at the following links:
Part 1: Eros
Part 2: Philos
Part 3: Agape
Part 4: Dangers

Labels: , ,

Monday, September 12, 2011

How to Make Love to a Friend - Part Two: Philos




Part Two: Philos
Now that you have experienced your friend as a complete human being, physical, spiritual, and sexual, and have acknowledged all parts of their humanity, you are in a much better position to be a really great friend. At this stage, it's important to reaffirm the friendship side of your relation, so leave the sex aside for a while.

Don't act like it never happened. It did, and you both loved it, so let it glow in your eyes, but don't try to build on it for now. Now is the time to let your friend know that you value them as a friend. Spend time together doing what you used to love to do. Go out for drinks, and don't sexualize the evening. The best part about making love to a friend is that it doesn't always have to be about the eros or the emotion. It can and will be WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE. And then it won't be WHEN YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE. If you want to obsess over either eros or emotion, get a wife. Friends are only part-time lovers.

While you are placing the eros aside and focusing on the philos, don't disrespect your friend by flirting with other people in front of them. Although some friends will be okay with it, many will not, and it's important to keep the mutual respect at impeccable levels until you find out exactly where your comfort zones are. (While jealousy can be a great tool to gain attention in initial attraction phases, it's never polite to flirt with someone else in front of another person with whom you are already intimate, be they friend, fiance, or fuck-buddy, so don't do it.) Enjoy your friend's company, and show each other that, sex or no sex, you are friends first.

Because one of the best parts about making love to a friend is the flexibility that is built into the rapport, in this stage you may even want to down a few drinks while continuing to keep your hands off each other. This demonstrates to each other that it wasn't only the alcohol talking, that your sexual sides are entirely under your respective controls, and that you are perfectly capable of having a great time together and even drinking without necessarily falling into a pattern.

The limits are defined by you, and there are no ruts when making love to a friend. If you are able to keep intact the friend part of making love to a friend, your journey with us will continue.


How to Make Love to a Friend is an exclusive special feature of this blog. Visit us Monday evenings for new episodes in the How to Make Love to a Friend series.

If you would like to read the other parts in this series, you can find them at the following links:
Part 1: Eros
Part 2: Philos
Part 3: Agape
Part 4: Dangers

Labels: , ,

Monday, September 05, 2011

How to Make Love to a Friend



Part One: Eros
Making love to a friend is not only one of the best kinds of making love, it is also one of the best things you can do to a friend. Contrary to the Black Swan twins' recent re-emphasis in two similarly-titled movies (No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits) of the tired, old Hollywood cliche that friends and sex don't mix, these two ingredients can actually make some of the most delicious of life's desserts.

When making love to a friend, it's important that both parties know what they want. Unfortunately, that is often the one thing neither is sure of. For instance, if you want to just get a fantasy out of the way and then get back to being only friends, you will have to do things differently than if you want to transform your friend into a potential romantic interest. Things must also be done completely differently if you want to keep your friendship on a sexual level and also keep your friendship.

Whatever you think your intentions are, getting a small taste of that other side of your friend can help clear things up for you considerably. Sample your friend, and you may be surprised at what you find. Maybe you and your friend won't be compatible in bed. Or maybe getting to know them in that way just once will bind you closer as friends than ever before. However things turn out, it is vitally important to ensure that your first taste of each other DOES NOT COUNT.

This is Eros, the first phase of making love to a friend. To make sure that it doesn't count, I highly recommend alcohol. Attend a wild party and drink just enough that both of you are able to say the next morning that you were not fully yourselves last night. Don't drink anything, though, that would keep you from completely enjoying your friend or remembering them. Extenuating circumstances will now allow you make instinctive overtures to your friend, as men and women are supposed to. This, as far as your basic instincts are concerned, is what the opposite sex, friend or foe, was created for, so don't be shy.

Feel free to go as far as the moment takes you during this initial phase; remember, it doesn't count. Thanks to the alcohol, no matter what happens, your plausible deniability will remain intact. Remember too, as the moment swirls around you, that, more than just a wild party, this is also research. It is a fantasy football team, a what-if scenario, an experiment that will remain completely off the books if you want it to or recur if the results are satisfactory.

If you decide you aren't sexually compatible with your friend, your journey with us ends here. The friend part will continue, but the making love part will stop. You will most likely find your friendship enriched, understand your friend in entirely different ways now, and have one more silly moment of past history to laugh about.

If you decide you are romantically attracted to your friend, your journey with us also ends here. While the making love part will probably continue, the friend part will most likely grind to a long, painful halt. You will have someone on whose shoulder you will temporarily be able to rest your head when the other fragments of your life begin to pile up, and you will be able to lose yourself for now in a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. You should, however, begin looking for another friend.

If you decide that you and your friend make magic together, both on the kitchen counter and off, welcome aboard; your journey with us has just begun.


How to Make Love to a Friend is an exclusive special feature of this blog. Visit us Monday evenings for new episodes in the How to Make Love to a Friend series.

If you would like to read the other parts in this series, you can find them at the following links:
Part 1: Eros
Part 2: Philos
Part 3: Agape
Part 4: Dangers


Labels: , ,