Sunday, August 02, 2009

The 5 Totally Hottest Apostates Ever (of all time)

In celebration of our new and continuing sense of positive relations with our ex-members, this blog has decided to announce for your benefit the 5 all time hottest apostates ever. Looking past our differences and focusing on the shallow things in life that really matter, the criterion are, 1: that they are or have been genuinely and actively at odds with the Family, and 2: that they are hot. Countdown.

Hottest Apostate Ever #5:
Juliana Buhring

Together with her sisters, this fine young lady recently co-wrote a bleak anthology on allegedly negative past experiences in the Family, promoting it through TV appearances and a widely circulated website. This, together with her pouty smile, statuesque neckline, and beautifully etched features, qualifies her smashingly as the fifth hottest apostate ever.

Hottest Apostate Ever #4:
Miriam Padilla
An experienced globetrotter extraordinaire, this lovely woman has helped to incite persecutions in Japan and Argentina, among other places. She has great taste in jewelry, knows how to accessorize, and while worried for our safety, somehow manages to look downright sexy.

Hottest Apostate Ever #3:
Jim LaMattery

Old fashioned good looks and a killer smile make this bright man a prime candidate for the first of our top three hottest apostates ever. An apostates' apostate, and a true professional, this man knows how to make his opposition count--even to the point of drawing criticism from other apostates. He has been banned from certain ex-member sites, and threatened to sue others in his whirlwind of righteousness, but always manages to bounce back.

Hottest Apostate Ever #2:
Cherish Lloyd
This outstanding woman whose amazing looks have only been surpassed by her wits, is currently deceased (kidney infection). May she rest in peace. She made TV appearances across Latin America with a counter-cult purpose and a tale to tell... but all I could think of was how beautiful she looked when she was angry. She went on to earn a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Photography.

And #1 Place for the Hottest Apostate Ever of all Time goes to...

Davida Kelley
Our undisputed winner, as a foxy adult fetish model and talented actress, left the other apostates no chance. Her slight disagreements with our lifestyle and occasional conflictive campaigns pale beside her ravishing looks and voluptuous body. And red suits her gorgeously. Under dreamy eyes and luscious lips, lies a passion for passion unsurpassed by any other apostate to date. It's an honor to be fought by this one.

So let's live beyond our differences and realize that we're all just a bunch of hot people fighting each other. Why not stop and admire each other for what we are and what we like, rather than what we aren't, and what we dislike. We'd all look hotter in love than in hate anyway.

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