Sunday, September 05, 2010

JJ's Guide to Having Sex

or How to Pick the Ones That Are Right for You

This blog has tried to stick to a loosely confederated ally of 2 topics dear to my heart: sex and music. Now the dynamic has changed a bit. One saga has ended, the old Family has closed, Family music has found a different place in the pecking order, survival of the fittest taking its toll on our childhood sweethearts

You've also all grown up and can get laid on your own now: there are literally billions to pick from. Congratulations.
With so much variety, it is no longer necessary to grab whatever you can get. Many of you will come to a point where you'll realize you need to stop trying to get laid and start refining your tastes a little. I know you know most of this, but I hope this short guide can be of some help to you.
I divide up what I look for in a lover into 6 simple categories. There are the 3 timeless principles of face, body, and personality, and I have added 3 more of my personal selection, motion, fantasy, and click.

There are a million different kinds of pretty. You may be an 'eyes' guy (or girl) and not notice the incredibly out of proportion mouth or the crooked nose. You may be a lips guy and overlook the conventionally hottest outsider at the club because her lips aren't your style. That's okay. Appealing to your very own niche market is the important thing here.

Again, different tastes. Ricky likes feet. He doesn't care if the woman is half his height. Frank is a thigh guy. I obsess on the kiss-ability of necks and collarbones. An important thing to remember is that a good body is not just a shallow quality, it also means responsible health habits and good self esteem--2 important qualities that lead into our next section.

This is an even more difficult one to judge. Maybe she's just being nice to you, but is actually a spoiled brat to the rest of the world. Or there's the up/down way of looking at it--being an optimist, I tend to gravitate toward other optimists. But then, even I don't mind the occasional downer to even things out. See, even personality, the quality that altruistic lovers wave in the faces of the more carnal among us, is highly subjective. Good thing there are 3 more qualities to look at.

Ahh, the hypnotism of motion. I know a girl who has average looks and an average body. She has a fair enough personality in my opinion, but when she moves, you can't take your eyes off her. She is my type of motion from the flick in her wrist to the grinding in her hips. Fortunately, MQ (motility quotient), the intelligence of motion, can be learned--knowing what pleases a man isn't rocket science--and when it is present, it's a beautiful thing.

We all have our dream girls, that intangible goddess that defines perfection in our minds. She might even be confined to your subconscious but she's there. She is what attracts you to that nondescript stranger at first sight. It isn't love! That stranger looks a little like your goddess, that's it! And the closer she comes to looking like her, the more attracted you are as illogical as it may be. It's not your fault.

But by far my favorite quality in a woman is the click. She's not your type. She's too narrow in the hips. She's a bitch to everyone else. She's clumsy. But...
The click is exactly what it sounds like. We just clicked for no reason at all. I'm in her mind and she's burrowing into mine. I will avoid using the term wavelength because it's trite. The click can actually override all 5 other qualities and is possibly the reason Beyoncé married Jay-Z. Sometimes the universe steps in.

There it is, you're on your own now. No, don't worry, I'll still be here, popping back up with an occasional two cents. But I know you'll make the right choices and may all the Style and Mystery be with you. The best of luck!

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At 9:48 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

were's the like like option??..oh wait..that's fb..hehe :P

At 10:09 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahaha!!! This is simply AWESOME!!!!! I LOVE IT!

At 10:03 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, maybe Beyonce is a "lips" kind of gal.

At 6:44 pm, Anonymous Florecita said...

Thanks for the Saints of Valory links. Was googling how to get their music and your link came up.

At 4:28 pm, Anonymous Tom VanBlarcom said...

Hahahahaha as usual. Hilarious to read, in a good way


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