Sunday, August 02, 2009

The 5 Totally Hottest Apostates Ever (of all time)

In celebration of our new and continuing sense of positive relations with our ex-members, this blog has decided to announce for your benefit the 5 all time hottest apostates ever. Looking past our differences and focusing on the shallow things in life that really matter, the criterion are, 1: that they are or have been genuinely and actively at odds with the Family, and 2: that they are hot. Countdown.

Hottest Apostate Ever #5:
Juliana Buhring

Together with her sisters, this fine young lady recently co-wrote a bleak anthology on allegedly negative past experiences in the Family, promoting it through TV appearances and a widely circulated website. This, together with her pouty smile, statuesque neckline, and beautifully etched features, qualifies her smashingly as the fifth hottest apostate ever.

Hottest Apostate Ever #4:
Miriam Padilla
An experienced globetrotter extraordinaire, this lovely woman has helped to incite persecutions in Japan and Argentina, among other places. She has great taste in jewelry, knows how to accessorize, and while worried for our safety, somehow manages to look downright sexy.

Hottest Apostate Ever #3:
Jim LaMattery

Old fashioned good looks and a killer smile make this bright man a prime candidate for the first of our top three hottest apostates ever. An apostates' apostate, and a true professional, this man knows how to make his opposition count--even to the point of drawing criticism from other apostates. He has been banned from certain ex-member sites, and threatened to sue others in his whirlwind of righteousness, but always manages to bounce back.

Hottest Apostate Ever #2:
Cherish Lloyd
This outstanding woman whose amazing looks have only been surpassed by her wits, is currently deceased (kidney infection). May she rest in peace. She made TV appearances across Latin America with a counter-cult purpose and a tale to tell... but all I could think of was how beautiful she looked when she was angry. She went on to earn a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Photography.

And #1 Place for the Hottest Apostate Ever of all Time goes to...

Davida Kelley
Our undisputed winner, as a foxy adult fetish model and talented actress, left the other apostates no chance. Her slight disagreements with our lifestyle and occasional conflictive campaigns pale beside her ravishing looks and voluptuous body. And red suits her gorgeously. Under dreamy eyes and luscious lips, lies a passion for passion unsurpassed by any other apostate to date. It's an honor to be fought by this one.

So let's live beyond our differences and realize that we're all just a bunch of hot people fighting each other. Why not stop and admire each other for what we are and what we like, rather than what we aren't, and what we dislike. We'd all look hotter in love than in hate anyway.

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At 8:42 pm, Blogger Babylove said...

Lovin it, & you hit it with #1, Personally think that Juliana should have made it up to #3 at LEAST.

At 9:43 am, Anonymous hi said...

hahahahaha I think Juliana should have been switched with miriam, definitely! But all in all, lovely! Super good! Such a good approach to the topic! Would never have thought bout it!

At 6:08 pm, Anonymous Ezekiel Bruni said...

Just. Plain. Awesome. Only Joe could think of something like this.

At 5:04 am, Anonymous Alice said...

nice. I already knew who number one was after reading the title of the post. You're such a sucker. heh

At 6:44 am, Anonymous Dave said...

Davida should be a couple notches down I think.

At 8:10 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Julie should totally have been #1. She's the hottest by far. Jim LaMatterly? Seriously? Hotter than Juliana?

..and yes, weird concept.

At 1:50 am, Blogger Neo said...

Ha ha ha! Awesome Joe -& so fits with the latest letter. I would have changed the order in a few places though, ha.

One question: Is that Cherish Lloyd the very same Cherish we see all over the TIV, SOS, 20 Minutes to Go, etc?

At 5:00 am, Anonymous hi said...

thanks for posting the new caney creek songs!

At 7:48 am, Anonymous Administrator said...

neo: different cherish

hi: it's a pleasure. but it's getting harder 2 do this

At 12:25 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy bithday joe (when ever that is)

At 10:50 am, Anonymous hi said...

to joe: ya... i actually tried downloading it from myspace but couldn't cause file2hd wasn't working... so i came here.. gby

At 4:04 pm, Anonymous Administrator said...

that's right, the services r shutting down.................but u can always count on here.

At 11:44 am, Blogger Tina said...

That was hillarious! Well done.

At 7:24 pm, Anonymous Joans said...

hahahahha so good!

At 5:38 am, Anonymous Neo said...

Hey Joe, can you get the new releases from Let The Dead -the myspace downloader stuff doesn't work anymore.

At 12:16 am, Anonymous Administrator said...

already on it.............that was not fun.....but there u r (sidebar)

At 10:25 am, Blogger Jason said...

Hey Joe, would you please remove the links to Let the Dead's releases, and do not continue to distribute them. We have not authorized your use of this copywrited material.

At 10:36 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wouldn't that be "copyrighted"?

At 1:21 pm, Blogger mark said...

Joe, please take our music down!

At 10:38 am, Blogger Luther said...

gosh!! what a bunch of grumps! if I were you I'd be happy they're here. you don't know how much publicity your getting from this. if fact... I don't think you'd have as many ppl on your friends list if you didn't. really... you should be thanking joe... your stuff sucks yet your getting views because of him.

At 9:13 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ooooo ... I'm sensing you enjoy the danger of your posts joe. ;)

At 1:49 pm, Blogger Jason said...

Let me explain a few things about copyright infringement. Your objections to our interest in maintaining the rights to our own work must be based on ignorance.
I refuse to believe that you and your cooperating friends are remorseless thieves.

So let me correct a few distortions that you seem to be experienceing in your view of reality.

1. Stealing music is stealing.

Music, like any other product, is the result of time and hard work. An artist reserves the right to freely give away his, or her, hard work and time--just as a construction worker may choose to donate his services, or a farmer may chose to give away his crops.
However, it is unfair to expect every farmer, and every construction worker to always offer their products and services free of charge. Furthermore, to assume a supposed right to demand free crops from the farmer, or free labor from the construction worker is obviously unfair.
If, somehow, a person found a way to easily and anonymously steal the crops from the farmer, thus negating or impairing his ability to generate income or continue farming, we wouldn't think it any less unfair would we?
The only aspect of the theft that has changes is the ease by which it can be done.
So taking from someone(s)the product of their hard work and creativity when they have not freely volunteered that product is necessarily stealing. Only by delusion or error can any other conclusion be reached.
Now how would you feel about the man who found a way to easily rob the farmer of enough of his crop to satisfy the demand of his local market, then, in an act of perceived philanthropy this man gives his stolen product freely to the farmers market, and effectively cancels the local demand for that crop, creating greater difficulty for the farmer to earn a living as a farmer. Would you think that was just? I really don't think you do.
I think that deep beneath your delusion exists knowledge of the fact that you are stealing music. You are not acting in compliance with the law of love (Matt 22:37-40), when you propagate stolen music you are not aligning your life to Gods objective standard of morality.
I would like to compel you to be honest with yourself. Stop conforming the truth to yourself, instead conform yourself to the truth.
By stealing our music, and denying our wishes proper to it you are not acting a Christian, you aren't even acting as a fair or law abiding person.
If you are a contented thief then I have nothing more to say, except that their will be consequences,
but if you value our friendship and kinship as fellow Christians and Family members please respect our wishes concerning our music.
Thank you.

At 7:03 pm, Blogger Luther said...

WOW!! that was quite the mouthful jason. uh... but if you want to throw a fit like this at joe... then don't you think you should at least start paying for all those free torrent downloads of programs, music, or whatever other crap you like? seriously, you do not have a right to whine about copyright issues (of which there are none cause you did not PAY for any!)[I'll get back to this later] if you download other things for free. Tell me... why should the farmer make the mass populace pay for his products if he will just walk into... say... a computer store and pick out one that suits his preference and take it home without paying. this puzzles me deeply. I'm also sure that the programs you used to record the songs are all pirated (Ooops!! caught again). probably the only thing you actually paid for was the guitars... even then I am doubtful cause they sound like shit. Anyways... I'm not trying to put your music down here. just trying to show you some realism.

back to copyright: if anything I would know cause I read this book made for musicians about these things. you can find it in almost any library as there are many books on the subject. just look for the topics of musicians and law.
The law with free copyright is you cannot (i repeat) cannot use the product for monetary gain. does amaranthin use his blog for monetary gain? if you answered 'no' you are right. does amaranthine post your songs on his blog for monetary gain? if you answered 'yes' then shove ur head up your ass. there IS NO LAW saying that you cannot distribute products that have a free copyright. you only get that privilege if you pay for a copyright (or sign with a major record). enough said. no need to repeat myself. if you haven't grasped what I'm trying to say here then your brain is too small to comprehend even those GN's that tell you to approach these matters in love and unity (spirit of brother hood and all that shit).

I can understand that you don't want your music floating around online and instead people coming to your site you buy (which I cannot imagine ppl doing but lets just pretend here) but what is the use of playing ALL of your songs on the front page? I mean... if anyone has basic computer knowledge then those songs are all downloadable. yes.. just from being able to press a play button on a home page. so really, you shouldn't care about those songs. now if you already had a price tag attached to your (cough cough) album, then i would be taking your side here against Amaranthine's... but you don't. ugh!! I feel like i'm going to start repeating myself here like most of the ppl in the family. so I shall stop here and say: fuck you jason!! you should have researched better before bringing up this crap about copyright! now you're the fool... HAHA
(all is fair in love and war)

At 11:08 pm, Blogger Jason said...

It's telling how in a world full of charming and intelligent people only this one dull witted and vulgar young man armed with his undue self confidence and some curse words has taken upon himself to represent your defense.
I can't compete in the Jerry Springer style debate. I won't play by those rules, but I will correct a couple of the incorrect assumptions that Luther proposed.

1. For the record, prior to their release all of our songs were copyrighted in the Library of Congress, and yes, we paid for this service. I will be more than willing to provide records of these copyrights.

2. It is absolutely illegal to distribute free copies of copyrighted music without the permission of the copyright holder as per chapter 11 of title 17 U.S.code.
One of many listed illegal violations of copyright:
"(3) distributes or offers to distribute, sells or offers to sell, rents or offers to rent, or traffics in any copy or phonorecord fixed as described in paragraph (1), regardless of whether the fixations occurred in the United States,".
Don't be confused by the word "phonorecord" it means "sound recording".
Joe I hope you didn't share Luther's naivety on this point.
The fact is that you are far from the side of the law in this contest.

I won't continue to reason or plead with you. I won't play your games or accept your ridiculous and gratuitous terms of negotiation. I certainly wont dispute my complaints with Luther.
I have warned you, and now I will file my complaints elsewhere.

At 4:37 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Try a bit of respect, please.

At 9:44 am, Anonymous Jeremy said...

Your appalling command of the English language is only surpassed by your lack of understanding of intellectual property and copyright law. Your inane opinions are depreciated even further by your ignorance.

In displaying your patently obvious lack of education in this manner, you do a disservice to your parents and any teacher who has failed so miserably in facilitating your development and cognitive growth.

I'd suggest you put your limited intelligent functions to good use and go find a book to read. Start with basic grammar and composition, move into argumentation and logical reasoning, and if your frenzied brain cells don't implode by that point, you may finally be able to take a look at copyright law and the concept of intellectual property.

Until then, do the world a favor and try to keep a lid on things.

At 10:15 am, Blogger Daniel said...

I'll be very surprised if you can read and actually make sense of this comment, but I'm going to write it anyhow:

In this country, there is no such thing as a free copyright. I'm the representative for all of our song copyrights, and for you to assume the copyrights are unpaid for is based solely on your ignorance.
Also, it would be wonderful if you could actually reference one of those books you read.

At 12:29 pm, Blogger Luther said...

wow.... it looks like I got the whole band to reply to me. way to go. don't you guys have something better to do than waste your time going around and arguing your point that isn't really going to make a difference? I mean... if only you put this much effort into witnessing!
and no, I did not appoint myself the defender of joe... but if you are going to make that whole silly farmer story about copyright... I might as well reply. you didn't even mention that. just proves that your just as much of a thief as you claim joe to be. you didn't even bother to prove to me that you actually owned the programs you used.
But if you really want people to believe you, you HAVE to supply proof. cause I really don't believe that you got your stuff copyrighted. so yes... I am asking for proof. note here that you don't have to oblige me. there is no reason for you to prove to me and you will just be wasting your time. but since you offered I will take you up on it.

Jeremy: I bet you used a thesaurus and/or dictionary to make that 'remarkable' reply.
Daniel: insults never got people anywhere. how would you like it if you were treated the way all of you guys treat joe... or even me? think on these things.

some points to ponder:
1. is the way you are dealing with things in a kind and loving way?
2. are you making sure that in EVERYTHING you do you are promoting jesus?
3. would people be able to look at you and say without a doubt that you are a christian?

if you said yes to just one of these I will shut up. but just because I'm not following these 'guidelines' (which actually maria thought of and NOT me) that doesn't give you right to because YOU'RE in the family!
I refuse to respond to any of your other moments on insanity. I will pray for you and I hope you pray for me (but not the 'lord damn the wicked' type of prayer mind you).
let us all see the light and move on in our lives. will jesus be able to say you handled the situation right? I sure hope so...

At 12:53 pm, Blogger mark said...

You are seriously misguided my friend, in reading your post i found this little tidbit;
"so I shall stop here and say: fuck you jason!!"

Need i say more?

At 1:51 pm, Anonymous Jeremy said...

Over the years I have bandied words and exchanged rhetoric with more people than I can count. I've started my share of fights, and finished most of what I started.

I have dialoged with both the bright, and the dull, the reasonable and the fallacious. I have see the most heinous of logical fallacies committed, and quite possibly committed a few myself in return.

I have been exposed to a great number of ill-conceived arguments, yet in all my days I have never been exposed to an argument so vacuously vacant of fact and reason as the one you have made today.

Let's get a couple things straight here:

1. You know absolutely nothing about copyright law. If you did, you would know that in simply being the creator of a specific work, you would be the sole and exclusive owner of it, regardless of formally filed trademarks or patents. It's a concept called "Intellectual Property", and no, that's not a reference to brain matter you greatly lack. It's the name of a series of laws and ideas that assign de facto ownership to the creator of a given work. Look it up, and stop talking out of your ass.

2. Your argument is full of self-contradiction. You simultaneously swear at people while whining about us handling things "in a kind and loving way". You demand proof of facts, while stating a sentence later that you will disregard any proof submitted.

If you want people to take you seriously, and if you do not want to live life making bad decisions due to your flawed reasoning, you will generally want to make sure you're not a walking, talking, self-contradiction.

In closing, I used neither a dictionary or thesaurus to write this, although considering the crimes against language you've already committed, you will certainly need one to read it.

Please, for the sake of my patience and the fate of humanity; Don't subject us to another of your illogical, idiotic, and criminally formatted arguments.

At 2:22 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

get a room people

At 2:28 pm, Anonymous Santi said...

omg... and you're all family members? really? ... i would be ashamed of myself for having written al these comments for everyone to see... honestly guys, this is no christian behaviour whatsoever.
the guys from the band, if you wanted your music taken down from the page, have a personal private conversation with the owner of the blog and sort your problems out in a less public and crude fashion. and Luther, really there was no need for you to get into the conversation and add more wood to the fire...

behave guys, don't make me feel ashamed of beeing a family member!!

At 6:59 pm, Blogger Luther said...

thats what I was trying to tell them... besides... I'm not connected to the family in any way.

At 10:33 pm, Blogger Neo said...

I do not remember ever using any kind of electronic software that is not pirated.

Every movie I watch is either bought at a DVD store that sells only pirated DVDs (you can't even find "real" ones) or is downloaded from the net -free.
Every program I use is done in the same fashion.
I've never paid for any music in my life. And if Family members start charging each other for thier music (beyond the "donation" category), then they will soon find that Family members will all be listening to system music -pirated of course!

The whole point of copywriting was so that someone ELSE doesn't use your work to make money (like the Telephone), now its turned into a big buissness to charge everyone for ever twang on a guitar & every word spoken on a film. (My film is copywrited & your one used the word "Bob" -now pay me $100,000,000,000,000 for that copywrite infraction!)

I think copywriting should be banned in the Fam, cause it just leads to diunity -your work & your life is the Lord's. To be used for His benefit (unless you wanna pursue a alternative lifestyle), not for your pocket.

The day I record something, I will immedietely give it out free!

At 3:15 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of all the apostates who are still living and retain their genuine shape and form (that is to say without plastic surgery, implants, etc.), Juliana hits no. 1, no question.

At 4:46 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoever hosts this blog I just want to make a plea that you take this copyright "discussion" down. Regardless who's wrong or right, it's a really bad reflection on Christians in general. Thank you ahead of time!

At 6:30 pm, Anonymous Dave said...

That Ms Padilla looks kind of like Michelle Rodriguez.

At 8:06 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your on idiot! stupid article!

At 11:10 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it absolutely hilarious that as these guys get angrier, they do one of two things:

One group sinks to lower and lower levels of grammatical correctness. They lose all capitalization and punctuation, and misspell half of what they post.

The other group uses bigger and bigger words, and waxes more articulate(though also, at times, nonsensical) in order to get their point across.

Does this seem counter-productive to anyone besides me? I mean, isn't using big words to communicate with the semi-literate a bit pointless?

At 6:01 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What?!?!? I can't believe it! I am the hottest apostate. I'm so hot, I wear a t-shirt in the snow. Body temperature is easy to measure. I don't think you took measurements.

Oh, and I thought I should just say this: Joe is a pervert. EPIC LULZ!!!

At 4:53 pm, Anonymous Vandari said...

Merry is the hottest surely.


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