I Am So Insecure

...it drives me clinically insane.
A friend, Luchi (now with child) told me that once. She said that I projected a little me with a pitchfork struggling against THE WHOLE WORLD coming down on me in tanks. I denied it vigourously--I don't feel like that at all. But I am beginning to think that somewhere, some subconcious part of me is waving a pitchfork.
I paced at 3 AM the other night (also known as nightcrawling). I haven't done that since grade school, thought I was permanently cured. But no, you get out of practice.
(Days later I have put off writing and completely missed capturing the emotion. Now I sound in control. Maybe if I listen to the song again...)
A song made me cry that day. I want you to go listen to it right now. It is The Beach, by Vas (found in the September Contributions on the old MO site). Go ahead, go.
Wow, it swallows you up. Okay, I'm back there.
I mean, I thought I could ... figured...NO, I KNEW I was on top of things for that one. But curveballs, fastballs, and I find myself flattened, accidentally shrugged (not the worst kind, but still shrugged), awakened in a dreaming house. "Let's" means "let's"! You AND me, BOTH of us. Do you know how frustrating that is? No one's fault but my own lack of capability to deal with adrenaline. It's like, you're sitting there, you know what you need to do (and it has nothing to do with subtlety or eye contact) but there is a vice grip on your heart. Hadn't I already psychologically surpressed the vice grip? Wasn't I the predator now? No, wrong, you are the zombie waiting for a four day old stone to be rolled away. Not gonna happen. They are not a stone-roller. They are prey just like you.
Two preys vegging together, maybe more. What a trip. Can we spell that "preae"? Like "antennae"?
I'm so mad at myself. Came home, put on The Beach and wept. I don't care about the 12 "I just wanna love you"'s. They each mean something different to me. It's all about the delivery.
It's all about just admitting that you are human. Why can't I come to terms with that? For the record people, I'm human. I just wanna say that loud and clear right here. Stoic at times, spacey at others, but human. I am not faster or better or purer than you.
I am going to find a cure. I am going to come back with the remedy and keep ET locked up, forever if I can, or till I next get out of practice. I am going to cope with my anathema.

Joe.

Fetching Fridays

I know, seems like a month of Fridays but I couldn't resist this one.


Forget the sun, kiss the stars.

And stay tuned for something cool .... tomorrow!!

Joe.

You Want A Fetching Friday, I'll Give You A Fetching Friday

Now THAT'S beautiful. THAT'S what matters.

Sorry, I've been away. But there will be more. Many more.

Joe.

Jurassic Lake Video

Look, a video!!

Joe.

Jurassic Lake

We went to a huge lake (or "Loch" in Scottish) for WNR. Now, this is no ordinary lake like you would expect for a Mexican fishing village--this lake is one of the lucky few that is an actual natural habitat for dinosaurs.
Me and Ben (sic) have actually seen them ourselves multiple times when coming to this city, and true to form, we again saw them on this trip. This is one of the most well kept secrets of Mexico--of the world even. But no thanks to the Mexicans. This well kept secret belongs to the dinosaurs.
But we didn't go for the dinosaurs. See, me and Ben (sic) aren't interested in the merciless bounty hunting or selfish sight seeing that the other 6.2 billion people in the world would be interested in, in a lake that was scientifically proven to contain dinosaurs. We are all after the fun.

See, there's all of us on a dock leading out to the dark waters. That guy in the middle drove us. Notice the guy to girl ratio of this excursion--one of the precious highlights.
The first time I came here, Ben and I were sitting out on an wooden pier extension of this same concrete dock. That was when we saw the first dinosaur. We were staring out into the waters when this cute little head popped out from the surface. To me it looked suspiciously like a frog, but no, Ben knew all too well that this monstrous creature was a curious subspecies of dinosaur that only LOOKED suspiciously like frogs. Thank God I had Ben there to notice that. We quickly ran for safety because we knew that where there was one suspicious, frog-like dinosaur, there were bound to be others.
Here we are on the left getting into a boat! Yeah, we chartered a boat to take us to the island in the middle of the lake, where there were restaurants to feed people! Here we are on the right at a restaurant that feeds people in the middle of the lake! And here we are on a log, in a restaurant that feeds people... in the middle of the lake... ! See? Fun!
These dinosaurs are really something though. They can actually live anywhere because they've developed a curious defense mechanism--they can camouflage themselves as whatever they want! Here's one in this picture on the right posing as a boat full of people. Sneaky little thing. Who would suspect a boat? Oh and here's a whole herd of dinosaurs in this picture posing as seaweed! Isn't that clever? Seaweed! Actually in that one we're using that fisherman as bait to try to catch one of the dinosaurs. It didn't work, they were too clever.
Ah, doing things with friends.

Joe.