I Am So Insecure
...it drives me clinically insane.
A friend, Luchi (now with child) told me that once. She said that I projected a little me with a pitchfork struggling against THE WHOLE WORLD coming down on me in tanks. I denied it vigourously--I don't feel like that at all. But I am beginning to think that somewhere, some subconcious part of me is waving a pitchfork.
I paced at 3 AM the other night (also known as nightcrawling). I haven't done that since grade school, thought I was permanently cured. But no, you get out of practice.
(Days later I have put off writing and completely missed capturing the emotion. Now I sound in control. Maybe if I listen to the song again...)
A song made me cry that day. I want you to go listen to it right now. It is The Beach, by Vas (found in the September Contributions on the old MO site). Go ahead, go.
Wow, it swallows you up. Okay, I'm back there.
I mean, I thought I could ... figured...NO, I KNEW I was on top of things for that one. But curveballs, fastballs, and I find myself flattened, accidentally shrugged (not the worst kind, but still shrugged), awakened in a dreaming house. "Let's" means "let's"! You AND me, BOTH of us. Do you know how frustrating that is? No one's fault but my own lack of capability to deal with adrenaline. It's like, you're sitting there, you know what you need to do (and it has nothing to do with subtlety or eye contact) but there is a vice grip on your heart. Hadn't I already psychologically surpressed the vice grip? Wasn't I the predator now? No, wrong, you are the zombie waiting for a four day old stone to be rolled away. Not gonna happen. They are not a stone-roller. They are prey just like you.
Two preys vegging together, maybe more. What a trip. Can we spell that "preae"? Like "antennae"?
I'm so mad at myself. Came home, put on The Beach and wept. I don't care about the 12 "I just wanna love you"'s. They each mean something different to me. It's all about the delivery.
It's all about just admitting that you are human. Why can't I come to terms with that? For the record people, I'm human. I just wanna say that loud and clear right here. Stoic at times, spacey at others, but human. I am not faster or better or purer than you.
I am going to find a cure. I am going to come back with the remedy and keep ET locked up, forever if I can, or till I next get out of practice. I am going to cope with my anathema.