I Am So Insecure
...it drives me clinically insane.
A friend, Luchi (now with child) told me that once. She said that I projected a little me with a pitchfork struggling against THE WHOLE WORLD coming down on me in tanks. I denied it vigourously--I don't feel like that at all. But I am beginning to think that somewhere, some subconcious part of me is waving a pitchfork.
I paced at 3 AM the other night (also known as nightcrawling). I haven't done that since grade school, thought I was permanently cured. But no, you get out of practice.
(Days later I have put off writing and completely missed capturing the emotion. Now I sound in control. Maybe if I listen to the song again...)
A song made me cry that day. I want you to go listen to it right now. It is The Beach, by Vas (found in the September Contributions on the old MO site). Go ahead, go.
Wow, it swallows you up. Okay, I'm back there.
I mean, I thought I could ... figured...NO, I KNEW I was on top of things for that one. But curveballs, fastballs, and I find myself flattened, accidentally shrugged (not the worst kind, but still shrugged), awakened in a dreaming house. "Let's" means "let's"! You AND me, BOTH of us. Do you know how frustrating that is? No one's fault but my own lack of capability to deal with adrenaline. It's like, you're sitting there, you know what you need to do (and it has nothing to do with subtlety or eye contact) but there is a vice grip on your heart. Hadn't I already psychologically surpressed the vice grip? Wasn't I the predator now? No, wrong, you are the zombie waiting for a four day old stone to be rolled away. Not gonna happen. They are not a stone-roller. They are prey just like you.
Two preys vegging together, maybe more. What a trip. Can we spell that "preae"? Like "antennae"?
I'm so mad at myself. Came home, put on The Beach and wept. I don't care about the 12 "I just wanna love you"'s. They each mean something different to me. It's all about the delivery.
It's all about just admitting that you are human. Why can't I come to terms with that? For the record people, I'm human. I just wanna say that loud and clear right here. Stoic at times, spacey at others, but human. I am not faster or better or purer than you.
I am going to find a cure. I am going to come back with the remedy and keep ET locked up, forever if I can, or till I next get out of practice. I am going to cope with my anathema.
Joe.
posted by Amaranthine @ 1:58 pm
14 comments
14 Comments:
now this is quite rediculous that Joe chooses the name administrator, because anyone could do the same thing and pretend he is joe, oh by the way, hi, I'm Joe, can't you tell?
:P
sorry, that's a bit off the post's topic isn't it.
Joe.
:P
I just want to say that I really liked "The Beach" too. A long time ago the Lord gave me a beach that He said is ours, and whenever I have been in a lot of pain or a situation that was so unbearably difficult that my mind was in denial of its reality, the Lord tells me to come to the beach with him. I close my eyes and we are there and somehow it helps me to cope. I have neglected the beach lately on my fast paced rush to destruction and this song spoke to me like nothing else could have.
Thanks Vas for the song. (If u read Joe's blog:) Becca
Wow, mate. I can both say that, I understand exactly how you feel, and at the same time, what you said made not a drop of sense. Don't take that at all to be offensive, it's just that one's ramblings can only be understood completely by oneself, and then there are times that you don't even understand.
TYJ for Jesus, cause He understands when no-one does, not even yourself. I can say that there are many a day in which I don't understand why they fall, but the tears just won't stop. And, if you can beleive it, I'm NOT an emotional person.
All that to say, I feel for you, there will be a Sun tomorrow, even if it's difficult to find.
Someone dear sent this to me, and it's helped me through many a rough spot;
"Dear Son, I’m here with you every day. This is not a journey that you must make until you come back to Me, but it is a journey you are making with Me. I am making the journey with you. Treasure these moments, use them to the full, for they will never come again, however you perceive them."
Cheers, Mike
"Nothing is impossible with the power of the keys"
You've got great potential, Joe. Yeah, you are human, but perfectly fashioned. Perfect for a purpose. Don't forget that.
All the best...
-she who has no name
I love you Joe, you're wondeful.
- Your little toad.
"A friend, Luchi (now with child)..."
So what are you trying to say? That you impregnate truthful friends in return for their honesty?
"Ha Ha, you dare insult me??! Take this!..."
Hee hee.
Mike! I love you man, where did you come from? Hey, congradulations, by the way, I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!
Ya, I don't like to stay sad but this one's sticky. Actually it's a scroll-down-list of this-ones. I don't think this article is very coherent myself. It is supposed to convey, not explain, emotion.
Thank you Anonymouses. And thank you, baby, I love you.
Joe.
Emotions never make cohesive sense except to someone who's been there before and used the same analogies. Dealing with adrnaline, the zombie and the four-day-old stone. Don't know if I've been exactly where you are, and I would hate to elevate myself to your trial, but I think I understand. If I don't actually understand, at least I think I do, and it's the thought that counts. Cause it hurts, doesn't it. And hurt is all thoughts anyway.
You can't keep ET locked up. You can't cope with your anathema.
All you really have is prayer.
I loved you for the amount of time it took to read and reread this post.
Wow I feel famous, even though I don't know if I said those exact words. And even though I didn't really get the post, I think I was glad you wrote it.
I liked this.
Rambling is good.
I like to believe that when I break out into tears... looking at all those sad nameless face on the metro... THAT is love being born in the heart.
un abrazo
I liked this.
Rambling is good.
I like to believe that when I break out into tears... looking at all those sad nameless face on the metro... THAT is love being born in the heart.
un abrazo
I also really loved that song (The Beach), I can't help but listen to it over & over..I loved it.....it's got real meaning & really moves you....I guess when u can relate to something it means more to you.I feel your pain Joe... we all have our moments & at the moment I'm also going through a rough spot so yeah.... just gotta hang in there...
Love u'r blog....
Wow Florence, thank you.
And Mig, Luchi, Anonymous, I haven't been on here for ages, but I appreciate your sympathies. THANKS SO MUCH!!!
Joe.
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