Sunday, June 04, 2006

Joe's Profanity Shop

That is one fine lady. Look at those beautiful... uh... eyes.
Anyway, off topic, I have come up with a few new words which I am putting back into circulation. Here, let me share them with you.
I found myself saying 'cripes' a lot recently, as an interjection sort of filler, so I wanted to find out what it meant. I looked online.
It's a euphemism for 'Christ.' Great. As in 'for CRIPES sake.' Or, 'Jesus *#&$% CRIPES.' So, since I am not the AntiChrist or even just a common, normal demon-possessed pagan, I had an interjection metanoia.
I found this interesting article called, "The Evolution of Profanity." Now, since it starts off with the words 'evolution,' and, 'profanity,' I barely got past the title. I figured they just could have put 'Doubt Inspiring, Pan Worshipping, Bloodthirsty Psychos Welcome.'
Anyway, so since I have a bloodthirsty psycho side, I skimmed it.
Just kidding. I do not have a bloodthirsty psycho side.
But anyone could see that the article actually had nothing to do with Darwin or our modern interpretation of 'profanity.' It was about how interjections had morphed over time, since Shakespeare's day. Started off with how foul mouthed a writer he actually was, before the ever-present 'they' purged him. Imagine? You're there peacefully reading the latest bestseller, when all of a sudden these foul words jump out at you from the page--"Blimey!" "Gadzooks!" "Pugglemuffin!"--like demons from the very depths of hell, and you just wanna get up from your plague-infested haystack and puke right then and there. So you burn the book and do three hundred Hail Marthas. Such immorality should not be tolerated in our modern world!
It helped me come to a few solid conclusions. I also did a small study on the subject, which actually helped me more.
The reason positivity doesn't like euphemisms is because it figures, why even take a harmless substitute for the poison of cursing when you could be appreciating right and left for everything that happens to you? For instance, you burn yourself on the stove because you're a klutz. Silly you. You yell out, "Crap! God damn it!" You're also a potty mouth.
Instead, you should yell out, "Grateful!" followed with a mumbled, "that I didn't burn my whole arm off to a bloody stump of smoldering, mangled flesh with a searing phantom limb remaining to tunnel pain-wracked lying vanity signals into my delusional brain!" Or, "that boiling oil is good for your skin, as proved by the Apostle John's longevity!" Or, "that I got burned--because the rose petal has to be torn apart limb from limb and ripped up into tiny dead, cold pieces, like a squeezed honeycomb, before the perfume can be made from it--and just think how sweet I'll be after this!"
So, since specific praises can be tedious to recite while blistering oil is eating into your flesh--I have decided to make some euphemisms or contractions for GRATITUDE, so that you can get quicker to the sink to wash it off, and still fit a few satisfying interjections in there. I will base these on common everyday curses, which probably most of you say anyway because they're very common and modern and used around the house a LOT. Here are their new meanings:

Zounds!: Shortened version of, "I am grateful for pain because it makes me stronger."
'Struth!: Australian. Shortened version of, "Truth is beautiful."
Fiddlesticks!: "I like sex!"
Odds'fish, my dear: Um... I don't know. This one is just weird. Shortened version of, "I am grateful for Finding Nemo."
For Jupiter's sake!: This one is still controversial, but I figure since taking GOD'S name in vain is BAD, taking the BAD GUYS' names in vain must be GOOD. This is a shortened version of, "Jupiter's cock."

And there you have it! Enjoy your new gratitude vocabulary.



At 10:13 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never, and I repeat, NEVER, comment on anyone's blog. But I like this one so much I just had to.

Well done.

Livi, you are da bomb!!

At 10:37 pm, Blogger crazynik said...

that was funny....I laughed.

At 7:36 am, Anonymous Nina said...

"Pugglemuffin!"???? where'd that come from. You've been reading Harry Potter haven't you!

At 4:32 pm, Anonymous livi said...

WOAH!! what the hell am I doin on here??

At 7:43 pm, Anonymous Me said...

Are you asking these people before you are posting pics of them on your blog? Cause that would be very mean if you weren't. If I were you I'd be sure that I asked each individual about whether you can post pics of them and which pics of them. And if they say no, well then comply. Personally if I found that someone had posted pics of ME on their blog, I don't care how "cute" they think I look, especially if I was a girl and the pics were somewhat...."nudies" or whatever you want to call it, I'd hunt you down, and............hurt you...yes I can find out where you live. You already basically said where. So there! Pray before you play. bye, oh and God bless you.

At 8:28 pm, Blogger MAVILIN said...

.......Joe man, you know, you need to put yourself in other ppl's shoes. Just becuz you're sum goodlooking guy doesn't mean everyone will like what you do. it's time to show consideration.

At 10:08 pm, Anonymous Administrator said...

Listen mister, if you wanna read my post below (An Eternal Thanks) before shoving your foot in your mouth, that would be great. When you strike up the courage to be anything other than anonymous, you can ask every single man, boy and donkey you post if you can use their photo. Until then, save it.

Oh and by the way, I live in Guadalajara, Mexico. Write me for the details.

Mavilin, you just remove the suicidal beam in your own eye first. Some of us take offense at God's face being shoved in the dirt, and it's a light thing comparatively to be showing off His creations.

Livi, if you don't want your picture up here...

...guess you shouldn't have put it on the MO site.

hehehe. Just kidding. But really, honestly, truthfully speaking, if you want to keep your beautiful light hidden under a bushel, just tell me. Don't send word through your friends. Just tell me. Please?

Nina... sigh. Top of my head--I promise! Never touched one of those books!


At 2:07 am, Blogger ditzydevil said...

Livi, you're a sweetie and you're gorgeous. pleeease dont take joes posting pictures of you in a offensive way. if i wasnt a member of nlu id be raising my hands in praise at a chance to see such a great picture of you.
dont worry about it. im sure the Lord will keep you safe.
luv u

At 8:37 am, Blogger Queen of Clubs said...

listen I don't have a problem with u posting it.. I do have a problem cause I don't know u at all.. and I suddenly am told that some guy has a pic of me on his blog.. that's what my problem is! No it's fine u can keep it there... next time asking would be kewl ;)

At 11:29 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the Mo site is accessible only to family members while your blog is accesibly by anyone with a internet connection.
Some folks may not want their pictures in places where any Tom, Dick and Harry can view them.

At 7:27 am, Anonymous Administrator said...

Thank you Livi.

This photo I chose randomly from the Women section on the MO site. I posted it in order to back away a little bit from the photo controversy I've been having. A little teeny breather. Didn't work. If I knew you, I might have asked you.

The MO site is also accessible to anyone with an internet connection. Believe me, it's not about the password. It's about the inclination. If you want to, you can get on. Same with my blog.


At 7:32 pm, Blogger Psycho said...

hahaha its olivia....hey hun hows it going?


Post a Comment

<< Home