Joe's Profanity Shop

That is one fine lady. Look at those beautiful... uh... eyes.
Anyway, off topic, I have come up with a few new words which I am putting back into circulation. Here, let me share them with you.
I found myself saying 'cripes' a lot recently, as an interjection sort of filler, so I wanted to find out what it meant. I looked online.
It's a euphemism for 'Christ.' Great. As in 'for CRIPES sake.' Or, 'Jesus *#&$% CRIPES.' So, since I am not the AntiChrist or even just a common, normal demon-possessed pagan, I had an interjection metanoia.
I found this interesting article called, "The Evolution of Profanity." Now, since it starts off with the words 'evolution,' and, 'profanity,' I barely got past the title. I figured they just could have put 'Doubt Inspiring, Pan Worshipping, Bloodthirsty Psychos Welcome.'
Anyway, so since I have a bloodthirsty psycho side, I skimmed it.
Just kidding. I do not have a bloodthirsty psycho side.
But anyone could see that the article actually had nothing to do with Darwin or our modern interpretation of 'profanity.' It was about how interjections had morphed over time, since Shakespeare's day. Started off with how foul mouthed a writer he actually was, before the ever-present 'they' purged him. Imagine? You're there peacefully reading the latest bestseller, when all of a sudden these foul words jump out at you from the page--"Blimey!" "Gadzooks!" "Pugglemuffin!"--like demons from the very depths of hell, and you just wanna get up from your plague-infested haystack and puke right then and there. So you burn the book and do three hundred Hail Marthas. Such immorality should not be tolerated in our modern world!
It helped me come to a few solid conclusions. I also did a small study on the subject, which actually helped me more.
The reason positivity doesn't like euphemisms is because it figures, why even take a harmless substitute for the poison of cursing when you could be appreciating right and left for everything that happens to you? For instance, you burn yourself on the stove because you're a klutz. Silly you. You yell out, "Crap! God damn it!" You're also a potty mouth.
Instead, you should yell out, "Grateful!" followed with a mumbled, "that I didn't burn my whole arm off to a bloody stump of smoldering, mangled flesh with a searing phantom limb remaining to tunnel pain-wracked lying vanity signals into my delusional brain!" Or, "that boiling oil is good for your skin, as proved by the Apostle John's longevity!" Or, "that I got burned--because the rose petal has to be torn apart limb from limb and ripped up into tiny dead, cold pieces, like a squeezed honeycomb, before the perfume can be made from it--and just think how sweet I'll be after this!"
So, since specific praises can be tedious to recite while blistering oil is eating into your flesh--I have decided to make some euphemisms or contractions for GRATITUDE, so that you can get quicker to the sink to wash it off, and still fit a few satisfying interjections in there. I will base these on common everyday curses, which probably most of you say anyway because they're very common and modern and used around the house a LOT. Here are their new meanings:

Zounds!: Shortened version of, "I am grateful for pain because it makes me stronger."
'Struth!: Australian. Shortened version of, "Truth is beautiful."
Fiddlesticks!: "I like sex!"
Odds'fish, my dear: Um... I don't know. This one is just weird. Shortened version of, "I am grateful for Finding Nemo."
For Jupiter's sake!: This one is still controversial, but I figure since taking GOD'S name in vain is BAD, taking the BAD GUYS' names in vain must be GOOD. This is a shortened version of, "Jupiter's cock."

And there you have it! Enjoy your new gratitude vocabulary.

Joe.