So I Invented A New Sport

...and little to do with sex this time around.

Back from the beach! And I couldn't reach my back to put on sunblock that first day. And now... well, now...
Anyway, hey I tried my hand at surfing. Ya, it was kind of fun--not all it's made out to be. Apparently there are always going to be obstacles for the surfer: either the ocean floor is rocky and you cut your feet (check), the sun is beating down on you (check), the waves are too small (check), the water's too cold, or the place is packed with too many surfers that take all the waves (check). All in all I rate it as a pretty ineffective sport, and here's why.
The learning curve for surfing is the slowest of any sport. This is a documented fact because you catch the thing in (if you ever do), then you have to paddle back out there and wait for another one, defying all those aforementioned circumstances, to try again.
The muscles used for surfing, paddling and balancing, are actually not used by nearly any other thing you can ever do with yourself. In other words, it does you no good whatsoever outside of the surfing world. Basketball, soccer, you get the jumping in, the leg muscles, the precision shot--football, you learn the agility, etc. Weight lifting--obvious. Surfing? Nope. You'll never really use those muscles again until you surf next year, so pack them up and store them in the attic cause it's gonna be a long winter. Does that seem more or less pointless to anyone else?
So...
I invented a new sport!
It's called "wave slapping," or "shmurfing" (after "surfing shmurfing"). And I will explain to you all about it tomorrow.

Joe.